When I first developed post-traumatic stress disorder, I could not bring myself to write anything, at all. My mind felt like nothing more than a bowl of alphabet soup sloshing around, devoid of any real sense or meaning. Reading about the experiences of others healing from PTSD helped me immensely during my lowest of lows, and still helps me today. The words shared by others reminded me I am never alone in my struggles or circumstances and, most importantly, gave me the language to describe experiences that had previously left me speechless and voiceless. However, on March 1, 2022, nearly two years after developing PTSD, I picked up a pen and a journal and started writing again. I haven’t stopped since.
In the last year or so, I have filled the pages of a whole pile of journals. Upon reflection, as the entries go on, the progress I have made is undeniable. I call these journals my “Trauma Recovery Journals.” I plan on periodically sharing entries from my PTSD Recovery Journals here in hopes of returning the gift many others, knowingly or unknowingly, gave to me- a sense of community in my emotions and the language to describe my experiences. The entries I choose to share will be published in chronological order and only slightly edited for grammar mistakes and to protect the privacy of myself & others. Keep reading for my first journal entry after developing PTSD:
March 1, 2022
My manager from my previous job offered me a room on the mainland to rent for $400/month- so doable for me! My grandmother has been increasingly supportive of me lately and even volunteered to act as my “safety net” if I should need one after moving to the mainland. She probably knows I can’t rely on my parents to provide me with safety- they have never been very good at that.
I didn’t have therapy last week, so I’ll tell my therapist about moving when I meet with her tomorrow. I’m dog-sitting this week. I am so excited to know I can do it- I can move off this island! And I will be supported! That is all I have needed for a long time.
This next chapter of my life needs to be about me. This is what I wanted for so long while locked up on the inside (illegal institutionalization) and now I can finally have that soon. It kind of scares me and makes me feel uncomfortable and wary, but let’s goooo!
My first journal entry wasn’t long- my writing also improved since I started journaling again! To be honest, being this vulnerable and putting my heart on the line sharing my private journal entries publicly on heard + felt feels scary. It also feels like the next best thing for me to do is to pass along the gift I needed during my healing and to honor the progress I have made in my trauma recovery. If you’ve made it this far, thanks for reading! Remember to like + follow heard + felt for more!
xx
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I think this is a lovely idea – for us to read and for you to see and appreciate your growth and progress! Journaling is also the rope that helped me climb out of the pits too, it just helps me make the chaos calmer and the noise quieter. Thanks for sharing!
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